I know it's stupid
 but it was inevitable I suppose,
 knowing what I know now
Who could have known that this time it would be different?
I had expected politeness,
but I had expected remoteness
based on what I knew of such things until now

Five years of polite remoteness.
An occasional flurry of excitement when there was new product
 to promote, to review, money to change hands.
I gambled so much on so little.
Thousands of dollars on a not quite promise,
 on the off chance,  that off chance that never happened.
 A dashed hope.

The heat in London to qualify
for the next round of those
almost passionate kisses they promised so much
yet delivered so little
A frisson of excitement to you
A star burst of emotion for me
That was not remote
What was that, a power game?
 One bright day to place with the others
those golden moments you allowed me
those few moments. That hundred dollar call
that I made
and your excuses and I excused you
forgiving as one absolves an executioner
to show spirit and not despondence
Anything but show your truth
and become open to censure
To display displeasure is too final
Cuts too many chords
Never mind I had beggared myself
on your word, not once but twice
what a fool. your silence disrespects me
A toy to be played with when the wife is out of town

Alan Merrill & the New Arrows
Friday 1st November 2013
Talking Heads,
Portswood Road,
Southampton

With
Alan Merrill, Vocal & Guitar
Dave Glover, Bass
Geoff Lea, Guitar
Kyle Fenton, Drums

  Part 1 
Boogiest Band In Town
Touch Too Much
Fooling Myself
Moving Next Door To You

  Part 2 
Automatic Pilot
Toughen Up
Miss Cadillac
Walk Away Renee

  Part 3 
Feeling This Way
Don’t Worry ‘Bout Love
Heaven n Hell

  Part 4 
My Last Night With You
Shake Me
Helium Hag
TNTeenager

  Part 5 
Always Another Train
Sands Of Time
I Love Rock n Roll

  Part 6 (Encore) 
Slow Down

Family? What family?

OK well The Bank Holiday weekend went a little strange on me......

My daughter was due to go to her fathers place as she does every other weekend.
However, sheer weight of homework and coursework for her imminent GCSE's (exams you take @ 15 and 16 years old before you leave school (@16) and go to 6th form College) caused her to miss her Ranger Guides meeting on Thursday and as that wasnt enough time to cover it, she suggested she might like to cancel going to her fathers where she would not have a chance to do the work as
a. theres nowhere for her to go to do it and
b. She spends most of every weekend there doing household chores to get the £40 a month pocket money her dad gives her (in lieu of the MANY MANY thousands of pounds he owes me in unpaid child maintenance for the last 12 years of her life since we divorced..)

*Yes thats right- you heard it right*.. she does ALL the housework of someone who has never paid a penny to her upkeep.. ..and if she doesnt do that.. she doesnt get the money. What a guy....nice

Anyway. The second she came in from school on Friday she telephoned her dad and started to explain....

Oh shit.. this was A BAD IDEA.

She put it on speakerphone and shhushed me.

Apparently her father's parents are visiting and a barbecue was all laid on for them; a big family party which they claimed they had told her about, though she had no memory of it.. but that's entirely beside the point.

Her father's reasoning was simply "Your grandmother is here, you have to come, she's old and could die soon so you have to"
----- Ok that sounds like a reasonable argument until you have the facts

a. If she dies soon it might have something to do with the fact she is a very heavy smoker.. and my daughter is a chronic asthmatic so there's a good reason right there not to go, as far as I am concerned

b She chose to go and emigrate to Turkey and be an ex-pat when my daughter was too young to even remember her much, and she has never made much effort to keep in touch with her and no effort at all in getting on reasonably amicable terms with me for my daughters sake.. nor has she provided any assistance, financial or practical or even moral support to either of us.. on the contrary, she has gone out of her way to be a total scum-sucking bitch from hell and the sooner she gets on with it and dies the happier I will be.. and I really mean it so dont tut tut me for it.. you really have no idea the pain this woman has caused.. not just to me but to her own children and other grandchildren over the years . My daughter doesnt owe her a thing.

Ok well then my daughter pointed out that the Homework could not be put off. Its due in mostly on Tuesday, and she also has a speech for her Head Girl Election Campaign to write.. but of course this wasnt good enough, her father continued to rant about how she owes as much quality time with his mother as she spends with mine...
----- sounds kinda reasonable. until you have the facts...

a. My mother has been there throughout my daughters life, from even before Day One of it with a heart full of love, an ocean of time to spend and an ever ready cheque book to provide every extra her father did not see fit to provide. I, as a single mother, out of work, received Income Support Benefit, which barely covers the most basic expenses and my Mum was there always to buy coats and shoes and fees for Brownies and Guides and all the school trips and Guide holidays. She has taken her to France and to Canada and paid for her to go to Austria and France again and Poland and the USA next winter. Shes paid for Theatre trips and Drama classes and Music and all kinds of stuff little girls love to do and bought her lots of clothes and school uniform and.... well the list is endless.. My mother paid for all the things her father should have... and then some. She invites us to Sunday dinner every week, she takes me to get my groceries in her car, she paid for Leisure Club membership so we could go swimming.. and all unconditional.. we dont have to do anything for her... but we do, and do it gladly and without complaint. We owe her everything. She even paid for me to go to the USA and meet Weird Al...

b. My mother lives just 5 minutes walk from our house, not in Turkey.....

I kinda grabbed the phone at this point and asked him why he was doing this.

He started having a go at me and saying I valued Jenny's schooling above her family..... It really is hard to have a battle of wits with the witless isnt it? like duh.

At this point his "wife" (his second marriage was in Vegas and Im not sure how legal that is here,.. particularly as she claims to be a religious Catholic, and though I'm no expert surely the Catholic view would be that he and I are still married?) was heard to start screaming obscenities in the background and this drove my daughter crazy. Actually I have absolutley no idea of most of what she screamed as it totally overloaded the speaker and came out as incoherent screeching .. I dont think this matters much as I'm sure it would have been much the same had she been in the room.

This is a woman so stupid that she believes my Ex-Husband when he tells her he pays regular maintenance to me, despite my daughter having told her a thousand times that it is a lie

This is a woman so dishonest that she got her high up job with British Telecom by forging her credentials on her application

This is a woman so ignorant she says "Riddikerlus" as if banishing a boggart from Hogwarts.

This is a woman so amoral that when my daughter was caught by a store detective trying to shoplift from Primark last year, decided to keep this knowledge to herself as leverage to blackmail my daughter into cooperating with her and giving her false gratitude and has held the threat of telling me all about it over her all this time.. My daughter contritely confessed it to me yesterday and ... lo and behold the world didn't end.

This is a woman so credulous she believes the ghost of her husbands grandmother haunts her kitchen.

This is a woman who, despite being fat and ugly herself finds it necessary to imply that my daughter is somehow deficient in beauty, brains and all other womanly attributes because she has a certain style that doesnt chime with her

This is a woman who bought a house with enough bedrooms for all and still made my daughter sleep on the couch so she could grow weed under lights in "the spare room"

This is a woman who expects my daughter to spend large sums of money on gifts for her, her father and stepbrother every birthday Christmas, Mother's day, whatever and if the gift is crappy or cheap she WILL make a fuss.. and remember, my kid is from a Welfare background...and has no support from her dad beyond the money she earns cleaning this bitch's house

Anyway.. she was screaming that *I* was a thief and a liar and that she was gonna tell me about the Primark thing if My daughter would not obey her father and come play happy families I also heard her say she was sick of the sight of my daughter and she never wanted to see her again... and this is the same bitch that assured me over New Years that she loved her like her own child... Holy Cow..
Her own child is a feral proto gangster who is never in school and who is completely running wild. He's not a particularly happy kid either and everything has to have the latest hip logo or its out of favour.. Trainers £300 and 3 months old arent good enough.. he has to have the latest thing.. while my kid, Cinderella like has to make do with whatever I can provide. Thank god for my Mum

Anyway this BITCH decided to take away my daughters laptop (christmas present from them.. actually acquired on the cheap by a reltive of hers who is a villain) and phone (bought with money that was a birthday gift from them) and she said that the two of them were coming down to take my daughter away by force AND take these things from my house and said she was going to bring the receipts and a policeman so that she could (I told you she was stupid)

Now I really HATE a scene. I am not a fighter and I am extremely frightened of my ex-husband. Yes hes a mild mannered personality free unintelligent insipid dicksplash, but having been *very* nearly murdered by him in 1998 I kind of see him a bit differently.

Lying on the floor with a broken back (well 3 cracked vertebrae) because someone slapped you and pushed you over and have the same someone force a pillow over your face and place a 1" diameter walking stick across your throat and kneel on the two ends of it, until you lose consciousness is not a particularly nice experience, and these are generally not the actions of a person who purports to love you. Thats what ended my marriage to him

Anyway.. back to the present day .... I phoned the police for advice.. not 999 emergency, just the local station for advice and they took down all the details and reassured me that they had no right to take any property or take my daughter against her will, and they basically didnt have a leg to stand on.. They told me to dial 999 Emergency if they showed up. I had several nice chats to WPC 221006 Laura Bryant across the course of last evening and twice today. Luckily they havent showed up.. Phew..
Its so tense here though all the same
I hate the way these people dominate and dictate my life ARGGHH I really hope Jenny really wont go back to seeing them We can do without the pocket money somehow.. we did without it before. The only rweason he is in our lives is because Jenny said "Oh well he *is* my Dad"

Know what?... Being a Father takes a lot more than impregnating some woman... and being a Stepmother takes more than blackmail and snide remarks, and being a Grandmother takes more than turning up one in a Blue Moon and expecting everyone to drop every thing and flock to your side
In other words
Your whole tribe can fuck off.. We don't need you now, nor ever have. We have a way better family of our own.

There! That felt so good!

Part IX: Thursday and Everything After

Originally Posted Thursday, July 24, 2008


Thursday And Everything After

Nancy and I left our fellow WOWAYers happily chatting in the shelter of the car park as we started off back to Nancy's home. We drove through the night through the pitch black Poconos in the driving rain. We stopped off for coffee and candy to try to stay awake and luckily we did get back safely some time after 3 am it must have been. Straight to bed. Awoke around 7 and showered, then burned some of my pictures to a cd before a trip to pick up Erin and her friend from Hockey camp. We had a meal at an Italian place, Cafe Alessio, not far from home and having dropped off the friend and Erin we decided on a trip to Montgomery Mall in North Wales, PA where I picked up a few items for myself and for Jenny. Later we went out to dinner with Nancy's husband and after that we went to another place called Target where I printed out a few of my pics. They look great. I also bought some new stuff for myself. Everything is ridiculously cheap here. I did consider buying an ipod which is at least 60 quid cheaper over here, but .. oh I dunno, maybe I should have. Oh well. Back to Nancy's and I checked in for my flight. Sigh. I really don't want to go home.

Part VIII A Rainy Wednesday in Electric City, or Steam Town?

Originally posted Saturday, August 02, 2008


Wednesday 23rd July.
Nancy and I arose early showered and went down for breakfast. It hadn't been possible to book a second night which meant we would have to drive back to Nancy's place after the show. Luckily they allowed us a late check out, so after we had put our bags in the car we still hung about in the bar and took a walk around the town.

Scranton has quite a few attractive buildings, mostly built in the 1900s, but in an older style based on "Victorian Gothic/Scottish Baronial. The venue for the gig was a 1928 Masonic Temple and it was a fascinating and beautiful building. We milled about in Scranton pretty aimlessly that day. It was a bummer about the hotel room to be honest as it condemned us to a day of lurking around the mall, being pretty bored. The weather was terrible too, so we were pretty glad as the concert drew nearer. We werte supposed to be meeting Austin who was due to do another piece of Rock Hall video, but the weather had other ideas and he didn't arrive until the doors were already open and the queue was safely indoors out of the rain.

My priority was to rectify my previous oversight, and to pay an immediate visit to the T-Shirt Lady. I bought a White & Nerdy hoodie and three other T-Shirts as well which made the bag I had brought pretty stuffed to bursting and unmanageable.

Went down to the rest rooms and bumped into Jeremy, who told us that Dave and Jacqui had seats directly behind him, so he would let us know when they arrived.

We went in to see our seats

Awesome. So close to the stage that I was entirely blocking the front gangway with my legs and my feet were actually on the speakers that Al was due to climb on and off the stage from. I had a feeling right there that it was actually TOO close for a repeat of my good luck in Columbus.

There was a mix up over tickets too. According to the ushers there should not have been a "row AA" sold at all, but I for one had no intention of moving, and as no-one disputed with me personally, I decided to stand my ground and stay put. It was stressful though, and put me in a less than great mood.

A great show. This one was about the kids.. particularly Austin and Amy,( a young woman, who like my nephew Alex, has Down's Syndrome) who were up the front giving it large. Amy got to hold the mic! Al just handed it to her eventually as she was shouting out so much. Pretty funny. You should have seen her parent's faces! Austin got to shout "Albuquerque Holiday Inn" and some other poor kid got the mic in his face on Yoda and he froze up.


Despite being too close in, there was some eye contact etc with Al, especially in Pentiums and I'll Sue Ya. I am always singing along to everything which is kinda hard for him to miss! LOL
Mostly it was Steve though, (now a real life friend), who was messing about and laughing with us. I couldn't see much of anyone else, as all the bits of kit were in the way. It was OK though, I had "my" show in Columbus and the whole experience has been mind-blowing, especially my mad excursion with Steve on Tuesday afternoon!



We had Storm Troopers and a very short Darth Vader, and some other Star wars Characters and uniforms I wasn't familiar with. Amongst VERY many others we had Wilkes-Barre Donuts, guacamole donuts, donut filled donuts, donut holes etc etc... and Albuquerque generally was messed about quite a lot. It was a fantastic show. The SLN dancers were awesomely good, graceful and both very pretty indeed (You should have been there Minnick!) We complimented them afterwards and they were thrilled to bits.. as was their dance teacher. I managed to see EVERYONE after the show (amazing really, considering how wildly busy it was) and have a full set of autographs. I'm not sure how I didn't end up with a pic of me with Ruben or Jon, but that is the case sadly. I think Nancy was looking after Amy (We had an extra pass somehow so Nancy took her to meet Al and she was quite a bit more than a handful!) and so wasn't ready there with the camera at the right moment I guess.





Sad. I got on very well with both of them though. I will HAVE to come back on a future tour, just to get the full set!

After the show there was a MASSIVE ticketed meet and greet owing to some contest that the venue had arranged. The whole event had a very heavily promoted feel to it, with named sponsors and everything.
Al looked as fragile and lovely as before, mmmm!




This time I did manage to get up close and personal with my idol and we had a really lovely pic taken by Al's security guy, as Nancy had had to return Amy to her family and had not been allowed back upstairs. This made me feel a bit panicked. I felt I was running out of time and the other band members were nowhere to be seen. I managed to grab Ruben as he peered through a doorway wanting to check out the pretty cheerleaders who were waiting in line to see Al. Bermuda appeared in the same doorway and said that he was soon heading to the bus anyway so there was no point trying to stay upstairs, and the security guy who took the pic said he would try to winkle the others off the bus if possible, so I went downstairs to relocate Nancy. Turns out that outside was the place to be. First person I saw was Steve who said "Jeez! It's Louise" and gave me a hug, then he signed my book (not the one he bought me, he had signed that the previous day). The security guy ( someone tell me his name please?, he was sweet- I don't mean Hammer either, I met him on Tuesday also) was as good as his word and pretty soon Jim was out amongst all of us. It was great to see him again and he was very happy to be presented with one of his own slack key cd's to sign. He said it was a shame I had to go,. and that "next time" I should come out to the West Coast. I got several nice hugs from him also, bless him. He's such a sweetie and not nearly as reserved as people told me he was. Then Steve came back over and we had a nice long chat and Nancy took several very cute pictures of us goofing around together.




Steve started taking to Dave and wanted to see his tattooed self and there was a bit of banter about how he had changed since then so Steve borrowed my Sharpie and decided to give Dave's Steve tattoo a make-over. He decided he had always wanted a goatee and a handlebar moustache, so that is what he drew on. Then Bermuda happened by and decided to give the Jon tattoo more hair. Everyone joked that we needed a silver Sharpie to do the Jim Tattoo, but Jim decided on just adding cool shades. Steve then dragged Dave off to the bus to get his Al tattoo altered as well, but I don't recall what Al did. It was hella funny anyway and we all had a lovely good laugh together.
It must have been around midnight by then and therefore must have been Dave's birthday so that was a very cool event to happen right on that occasion. I loved meeting Dave and Jacqui and Adrian and Anne and Jeremy and Austin and all the rest. My Sharpie even made it onto the tour bus and back to me again and so got used by all of the band. I won't ever throw that away, even when it's all dried up!

I feel sad that I must soon go home. Writing this, my last full day is already done and I have already checked into my homeward bound flight.
To everyone that made this trip possible for me, to everyone who welcomed me and made me feel so much a part of it all and to all you who have read my blog and left comments I want to thank all of you for helping make this the most incredible week I have ever lived through.
To my dearly beloved Nancy, a stranger only a week ago and now one of the closest friends I have ever had. Thank you. You took a big chance on me. It could have been a disaster… but it was a triumph

Most of all I want to thank dear sweet fabulous incredible Al, who through inspiring me to "Dare to be Stupid" set me free from being scared to live and take on new experiences. No regrets.
There are not enough words…………

Louise
xxxxxxxxx

Part VII. Its Tuesday, this must be Scranton

Originally Posted Saturday, August 02, 2008


Tuesday 22nd July…. What a guy

We arose and showered soon after 7 am. Nancy decided to go off for some girly-type pampering, which isn't my bag so I just stayed behind and typed up my blog, which I had only just finished by the time she returned from her pedicure. We slung our stuff into the car and by 11 am we were on our way to Scranton.

It was a beautiful journey, and the scenery very reminiscent to me of Wales. There is a lot of slate and sedimentary rock which forms the characteristically spectacular outcrops so common in the Poconos.

Scranton is a railway town, and does have a very Welsh feel to me somehow. The scenery, the slate, even the slightly out-of –the-world feel to the place made it seem familiar and friendly to me. The weather was a lot more British also LOL!. After we had checked into our hotel, we took a little wander around town and went to a record shop where I bought a System Of A Down CD, and we got a soda and headed back to the hotel. Nancy was a little tired after the drive and fancied a lie-down. Not wanting to be stuck in the room I decided to go out and I went to investigate the local shopping mall, (my first American Mall experience)
I'd just got to the stage where I had decided it was no different from at home, and was a bit cheesed off because I couldn't find anything fun to do when I bumped right into Steve Jay, right there in the Mall!

I said Hi! and smiled and I guess I must have looked familiar or something from Sunday night (though we had not met) and he said Hey! You're the British gal, right? You got a minute?....
(This is so cool I just know nobody is gonna believe me)

Anyway, introductions over, he said Lets get coffee, so we went to Starbucks and sat there for AGES just chatting like old friends. He reminisced about times past spent in England, and I talked about how I had come to America specifically to see the two gigs.

We talked about the world and politics and religion and science and books and generosity and friendship and selfishness and just about everything imaginable.
When we finally finished our coffees he said
You've gotta read this book…..

So, we went off in search of a bookshop. This does get pretty funny….

So, bookshop right? Could we find one? Steve was going up to everyone and asking. Two black guys in hoodies were lounging around on a bench and Steve said.. Let's ask them, they look like readers. It was at this point that I knew I was just gonna have to roll with what was gonna be a fairly surreal experience. No bookshop. After asking about five or six people we came to the conclusion that the nearest bookshop was Borders, in a place called Dickson City, out of town. It was actually funny to watch these people as they realized for the first time that they lived in a town with no bookshop… lol

So, we left the Mall and Steve jumped out into the road with his arm in the air and soon a cab appeared… not for us but for someone else, but the driver did order another for us. Soon we were on our way to Borders. It was a pretty long cab ride, just under $30, and Steve gave him extra to wait. We went in, only to discover, eventually that the book was not in stock, so Steve bought me another book entirely LOL. It's called "The Quark and the Jaguar" by Murray Gell-Mann, a Nobel laureate physicist. I was pretty flattered Steve thought I was capable of reading theoretical Physics with any degree of understanding I must say, and I really do intend to give it a shot, even if it is just to get some idea of the points he was trying to explain.

The cabbie took us back to Scranton and there was a bit of a panic when Steve realized he couldn't find his cell phone. We went back to his hotel where he struggled for a bit to get an outside line in order to call the phone, but eventually it turned out he had left it on the counter in Borders and they sent it over pretty much straight away. It was a memorable afternoon. I found Nancy in the bar of our hotel and she was amazed at what had been going on while she was having a nap. I showed her my book though, which Steve had signed for me, so then she believed me.

Steve is an awesome guy and now he is a real life 100% genuine friend as well. Isn't that such a nice thing to be able to say?. Steve Jay…. What a guy!

Nancy and I rounded off the evening together in the bar of our hotel just giggling and being silly girls together about my crazy adventure. Came back up and blogged Monday.. and Tom ate it again, which is why I had to do it again just now… sigh… Tom you are a louse.


The book Steve wanted to buy me was this one